i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
