drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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