So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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