I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
