I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
