my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
