1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
