Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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