Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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