Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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