Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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