I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
