is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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