You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize