If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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