i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
