I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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