Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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