considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
