Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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