She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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