Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
