o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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