I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
