Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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