I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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