Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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