i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
