Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize