I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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