Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dick very happy bro
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
