Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
