my mouth tastes like poor choices
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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