i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
