just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
