My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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