Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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