hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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