Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
