well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
