Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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