A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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