Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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