Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
