Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
