yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
