turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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