we have pet lesbian snakes
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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