I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
