Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
