WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
