I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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