He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
