Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
