Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
