I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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