I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize