I looked at my own cervix.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
