I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
