I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
