I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
