I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am naked and annoyed.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
