chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize