Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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